abide

remembering all my past futures. my loves bring me back. my voice gone quiet these days as the external realm picks up. developed a silence to quell the mental and physical anxiety. cultivate again an inner smile but at the moment my mother dwells. we must send her, kali, back back back. let the girl shine! oh her shadow, oh oh her shadow.

by you i abide, my grace. in this lifetime or another. each finds me again. but in these times are we to love as deeply. our settings now geared toward the fleeting and superficial. but to know again our lives and sink into skin i have known before and before and before. shape shifters. geometric objects. hurl around my diurnal psychosis. the trade off i have made for creating a symbolic exterior. when in the company of others, vibrant, confident, happy. on my own, first thing in the morning: contrast. all that which i do not let live by the light of day faces me in the mirror. until cleansed by meditation, exercise, bathing, mirror gazing, and the shadow is packed away.

the shadow wants attention, will not be masked or polite. will not bow to the whims of the artist. who is in control? my muse i refuse.

the karma i share with my others. our intricate connections. met abai randomly who also creates with noah. noah works with david and me. david and i work together. david found the satya yuga collective then i found satya yuga through abai. and also of the satya yuga, cayote, who i met two years ago on halloween when my voice first opened a channel. and odd, no 'coincidence' that the other day i was trying to determine who's spirit noah reminded me of and i thought of cayote who i hadn't seen since last july at belden, then a week later reappears into the plot line. i have never given him my number. met only twice and each time i am afraid of our connection and it's potential. like looking back through a mirror backwards and seeing all my past and futures. like staring into an abyss. it seems our story is not done. maybe it is. maybe it isn't. maybe it begins. maybe it is done.

i have far less attachment to any of them now. we are bound by nothing, by trust, by knowing.

and everyone seems to know about me. and the Pleiades.

and i'm trying to remember when that came into my consciousness for the first time. and from where. even my father, devout as he is to dogma, seemed pleased to know my new spiritual name gifted by Djin: Pleiades Aquarian. and as i mentioned parallel realities he said "resistance is futile" and i wonder if he's just fucking with me. he's not supposed to know about these things. he's supposed to uphold the church and the doctrine of father/son/holy spirit and that is it. he is supposed to remain a bastion of normalcy in an otherwise chaotic see of transubstantiation, psychic realms and altered states.

i let go. i give over. for the highest good.