furthermore

so now i will just say that i re-dedicate this blog to myself and realness. whatever that means, whenever i feel like it. and i don't care who reads it or does not read it. it's not going to be about nice little pretty in pink posts or sleek poems, or whatever, it's going to be about what i need from a blog, which at this moment is a container for excess emotion.

9.24.10

fuck it. i'm going back to blogging nonsense at the drop of a hat because well it helps to vent and such so that what is inside is somehow outside in a contained little space. and not living in some terrible ineffective behavior/coping mechanism. i really don't know what is wrong right now. i'm having such a difficult time resolving, no that's not the word. but when you have two opposing ideas/ways of thinking. oh yes, reconciling. i'm having a hard time reconciling what i think i know, which i don't know, about existence and consciousness, and transcendence to what my lower self lives in matter, in pattern. there is such a glaring difference. i must still be dealing with saturn and righting old patterns. this is something to overcome but maybe in total acceptance of the yuckiness and the brokenness and maybe i'll never be better but that is just another part of the needing to be okay with everything in this present moment and not struggle against it but give over and let it wash over me in big waves of realness.

i must give up my futile and destructive habit of striving for thinness. the thinness i've been looking for was a fleeting moment in time at age eleven, or thirteen, or for that brief time at 26 when i wasn't eating but ingesting lots of other things instead. and that was not a good look. well maybe in still life on camera but not in real time, in action.

and now my body reflects the truth of me. at least part of it. as mother, in age, with genetics. nature has won over the stupidity of youth. i am not false anymore in so many senses. i am living truth, no more masks, no more projections.

what a beautiful sunny day and i am so blessed for the pretty garden we have and my cute enviable neighborhood. working from home, not given more than I can handle for this moment. i can see the positive if i want to rather than the negative of the same circumstance. stay in the light! stick to the treatment to the letter. do all the good things i know that are helpful, even if i don't want to do them. i must especially because i don't want to, it means that i need to so much!

for neatby 3.0 (non sequitor)

where are my words for neatby now

when we were sticks together

fooled by the meter,

the words, and the distance

beautified his pursuant wit.

bricks of canterbury to crypts step.

a cheap trick.

where's my silver egg?

unhatched.

dance dance diva

turn me out

my epileptic teary eyed rhizome

and she danced and danced

jezebel, eve, salome, magdalena

draught a basket

a coin in my pocket

not even

your endless love;

fun, but too much like

his mad mother

he'd never capture her

so he raped his sister

at tunbridge wells

with his girlfriend upstairs

7/30/2010

persephone

she did not realize the significance of the fall until several rounds had passed and a pattern made itself apparent. oh darling psyche, cannot quite remove herself from the mythic patterns of her preceding lives. certainly that's not tragic. it's a matter of fate. i wouldn't quite call him a rake. la dee da, don't you know we're playing her again. i'll sit back and watch it unfold, my sweet sweet angel. i don't have the energy anymore, the care, or the wherewithal to fight back in grand schemes of poetic revelry. Ibid. please see the previous twelve volumes. change year and name of eros manifest in flesh. i've had enough of the school yard. wrap me up in the tetherball.

haricot verts

haricot verts.

reification

there really is no other option than to do a very thorough cleaning of house. all these old things, matter from the past, hang in the air. i want to get very far away from them. i really want to move. the air is heavy with the past year, here now at home. i wonder if the magic of the last few months will fade now that i've returned home. i must assure myself that God still loves me, even in Berkeley where Spirit is mostly dead. i am still loved. i am still anointed. i will feng shui away the baddies and forge ahead. matter is nothing but thought so i shall think it into something that feels good. sleeping in my own bed is going to feel good. i remember the last time and the intensity of that astral travel. hopefully those folks are busy doing other things. and i will sleep soundly.

truly be

oh oh wouldn't you know. she finally remembered why this all started. when she came too close to touching the sun and spilling it's...don't say i didn't warn you. following that thread into the labyrinthine. certainly now my inner voice is softer. certainly now i've given up the ghosts. certainly now i am as uncertain as i've ever been and stronger for it. yea though i walk through the valley. oh hush. there is no such nonsense on the premises any longer nor was there ever. perception! dear and these are the degrees through which we rise to higher elocutions. now for the sweetness and goodness evermore. truly dedicated and bound by fortune. truly sunshine. and love. forever and ever world without end.