9.24.10

fuck it. i'm going back to blogging nonsense at the drop of a hat because well it helps to vent and such so that what is inside is somehow outside in a contained little space. and not living in some terrible ineffective behavior/coping mechanism. i really don't know what is wrong right now. i'm having such a difficult time resolving, no that's not the word. but when you have two opposing ideas/ways of thinking. oh yes, reconciling. i'm having a hard time reconciling what i think i know, which i don't know, about existence and consciousness, and transcendence to what my lower self lives in matter, in pattern. there is such a glaring difference. i must still be dealing with saturn and righting old patterns. this is something to overcome but maybe in total acceptance of the yuckiness and the brokenness and maybe i'll never be better but that is just another part of the needing to be okay with everything in this present moment and not struggle against it but give over and let it wash over me in big waves of realness.

i must give up my futile and destructive habit of striving for thinness. the thinness i've been looking for was a fleeting moment in time at age eleven, or thirteen, or for that brief time at 26 when i wasn't eating but ingesting lots of other things instead. and that was not a good look. well maybe in still life on camera but not in real time, in action.

and now my body reflects the truth of me. at least part of it. as mother, in age, with genetics. nature has won over the stupidity of youth. i am not false anymore in so many senses. i am living truth, no more masks, no more projections.

what a beautiful sunny day and i am so blessed for the pretty garden we have and my cute enviable neighborhood. working from home, not given more than I can handle for this moment. i can see the positive if i want to rather than the negative of the same circumstance. stay in the light! stick to the treatment to the letter. do all the good things i know that are helpful, even if i don't want to do them. i must especially because i don't want to, it means that i need to so much!