real talk

he may never come back to live here and i might be okay with that. i might need to be okay with that. i am okay with that. that actually might be what i want. my body is grieving this closure. released the guilt in a show of tremendous self abuse in a final hurrah these last months. as if it were only okay to come to the conclusion that i am no longer his mother and have not been in effect for some time, i destroyed myself with various patterned flagellations. my life split off from his reality some time ago and the split personality which resulted is coming to an end. all the intricacies of 'my' story go and are gone. float along. no more penance. i'm done. no one needs me to suffer like this. this body is my home and needs to be cared for accordingly. it only takes three days of meditation, running, and pure food to return to the place of harmony i belong. it only takes an hour of drinking or binge eating to tear it asunder. make conscious choices. gluten and grains in all their forms are to be avoided. quinoa is okay, amaranth. brown rice.

we're getting a new fridge delivered on wednesday coincidently. noah is returning from his tour on friday. i like him. he likes me. we might hang out a bit on a fairly regular basis and create things. i think i'm okay with that. i have no attachment to it. i know the circles in which we roll. i have no illusions. everyone loves everyone. no one owns anyone. maybe there are primary relationships and maybe there are not. it's nice to be in my nature. it's nice to come into alignment with my self. without guilt or hang ups.

coming into alignment means working more. means creating more. means loving more. means producing. means representing. JOY THIS IS WHAT YOU DO. do not resist your nature, do not resist the flow. you do not even need to think about it. you've been thinking too much. let go. let it happen. show up.

be a better caretaker/mother/lover/friend to yourself. grace. gentleness. be gentle!!

i had a dream last night about huge hummingbird eggs, the size of goose eggs, vibrant teal. i was at the oceans edge and let them go into the foam at dusk. until i realized they were hatching when sharp beaks and feathers, fuchsia and yellow poked through the leathery shells. i quickly collected them and returned them to the nest. maybe two or just one floated away to the sea and Yemanja. the rest i held as they hatched. little porcupine needle hummingbirds. i had to talk them into flying into the bamboo cage we decorated with pretty lights and pink streamers in my grandparents dining room with the old chandelier. they floated and glowed and sang. i could sense they were unsure, that they were a little sad to be captured. they were my heart maybe. or the road. but they glowed bright blue green pink and yellow and they hummed. they were sad-happy and they were okay.